Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we�re kids? If you�re less than 10 years old, you�re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I�m 4 and half." You�re never 36 and a half, but you�re 4 and a half going on 5! That�s the key. You get into your teens, now they can�t hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I�m gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you�re gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There�s no fun now. What�s wrong?? What changed??? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you�re PUSHING 40...stay over there, it�s all slipping away... You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you�re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone... You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you�re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn�t think I�d make it. You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You�re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70! � After that, it�s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won�t even buy green bananas, �Well it�s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.� And it doesn�t end there...Into the 90�s, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I�m 100 and a half!! Age is a funny thing. �
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�1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. �2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. �3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. �4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. �5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. �6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. �7) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry. �8) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex. �9) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. �10) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 11) Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. �12) Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. �13) Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves. 14) Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. �15) SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.� Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. �16) Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. �17) Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. �18) GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. �19) Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.� The O.J. trials were a prime example. �20) Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps.
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